News from 2084, Issue 4: Breakthrough in Traditional Medicine

★19 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Gwalaheri★

In a major breakthrough, scientists at Nim Huckim Paramparik Aushadhi Kendra (NHPAK) claim to have developed a health drink that can cure such dangerous illnesses as cancer, AIDS, schizophrenia, homosexuality, and love.
Speaking at the launch yesterday, NHPAK\’s chief scientist, V. Rindavan, said that taking this drink 4 times a day can make any man, woman, or child \’purush uttam\’ in 108 days. The beverage, a combination of gau milk and gau mutra, will be available at all popular gaushalas at a reasonable price. Mr Rindavan also suggested adding the liquid to tea and coffee for fixing karmic imbalances. The government-run centre is expecting huge export orders from countries having large expat communities. The manufacturing license for the drink has been won by Amrit Milk and Mutra Union Limited (AMMUL), which will also market it under the brand name of \’Mamoo\’. In future, NHPAK is also planning a gau mal (gobar)-fortified variant for added roughage.